Quote of the Day Archive

1/10/13: "I'm tired of chasing my dream, so I'm setting a trap." - @igreenmonk

1/9/13: "It's not really love if you don't feel a bit thrashed in the process." - @swbelieves

12/16/12: "There's nothing like Christmas shopping to make you realize you have literally no idea what the fuck your family and friends are into." - @mariaelizabest

12/14/12: "If you get drunk at a Genius Bar, do you still slur your words, or does auto-correct take care of it?" - @skittle_brains

12/13/12: "The best way to get high for free is to tell potheads you've never smoked weed before." - @HairyJew4Life

12/11/12: "I don't keep condoms in my apartment anymore because they all kept expiring." - @daisy

12/10/12: "I have a dog only to prove to my mom that I shouldn't procreate." - @jan_ica

12/8/12: "...except for overdue library fines. A Lannister never pays those." - @stupendu

12/7/12: "Sorry boss. I would of e-mailed you sooner but the cat ate my mouse." - @swollenvoice

12/6/12: "'I'm a whore! I swear, I'll blow you right now!' she cried as the torch-wielding villagers carried the alleged virgin towards the volcano." - @olivesmirks

12/5/12: It's only losing if you learn nothing from it.

2/25/10: "When your mother asks if you are sexually active, the correct response is not 'No, I just lie there.'" - @gordonshumway

2/23/10: "Maybe that's why the young and the middle-aged cannot meet. The young don't have the perspective, but the middle-aged gain it at the cost of that pure urgency." - Starhawk, Walking to Mercury

2/22/10:

"Scott Templeton: I don't think you need a lot of context to look at what goes on in a classroom.

Gus Haynes: Really? I think you need a lot of context to seriously examine anything." - The Wire

2/17/10: "The action is getting intense here in the curling venue." - NBC announcer

2/11/10: "Ok, do it. But if you find him and he's weird, like a ventriloquist or a puppeteer, or anyone who pretends toys are people, then abort the mission." - Leslie Knope, Parks and Rec

2/10/10: "I had a crush, so I thought I should not fuck you for a while." - Anonymous

2/9/10: "Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils." - Hector Berlioz

2/8/10: "No, I know all the war rhetoric, but it's all aimed at achieving peace." - George W. Bush

2/6/10: "Why is it that when a woman asks me, 'Will you help me move?' what she really means is, "Will you move my stuff while I give you directions?'" - @cellagood

2/5/10: "When a true genius appears in the world, you may know him by this sign, that the dunces are all in confederacy against him." - Jonathan Swift

2/4/10: "Oh My God. Take me aboard the mothership with these hot aliens." - Nikeysha, America's Next Top Model

2/3/10: "I don't really know what happened, ok? First I was angry, then I was drinking, next thing I know I'm following this guy home and forcing him into the trunk of his own car." - Charlie, It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia

2/2/10: "If you can't explain it to a 6 year old, you don't understand it yourself." - Albert Einstein

2/1/10: "Once we know something, we find it hard to imagine what it was like to not know it." - from Made to Stick

***********************9/1/09 to 1/31/10 No quotes due to Blog Hiatus**********************

9/1/09: "Why do writers write? Because it isn't there." - Thomas Berger

8/31/09: "Truth is more of a stranger than fiction." - Mark Twain

8/26/09: "T.H.U.G. L.I.F.E." stands for "The Hate U Give Little Infants Fucks Everyone." - 2Pac

*************8/21/09 - 8/25/09 No Daily Quotes due to Grad School Organization*****************

8/20/09: "I hate life, I hate death and everything in between just doesn't interest me." - Chris Rapier

8/19/09: "If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates." - Jay Leno

8/18/09:
Prince Caspian: I do not think I am ready.
Aslan: It is for that reason that I know you are.
- Chronicles of Narnia, Prince Caspian

*************8/8/09 - 8/17/09 No Daily Quotes. File a lawsuit.*******************

8/7/09: "Antiquities are...remnants of history which have casually escaped the shipwreck of time." - Francis Bacon

8/6/09: "You have no idea." - @hosin

8/5/09: "The only thing keeping you from being happy is the belief that you are alone." - Anna Draper, Mad Men

8/4/09: "In heaven all the interesting people are missing." - Friedrich Nietzsche

8/3/09: "An intelligence test sometimes shows a man how smart he would have been not to have taken it." - Laurence Peter

8/2/09: "Only fools are positive." - Moe Howard

8/1/09: A: "I'm a little short on my dues. I'll get you next week.
B: "Those Thai boys going up in price?" - Sons of Anarchy

7/31/09: "Democracy means government by discussion, but it is only effective if you can stop people talking." - Clement Atlee

7/30/09: "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book. I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

7/29/09: "He had discovered a great law of human action, without knowing it - namely, that in order to make a man or a boy covet a thing, it is only necessary to make the thing difficult to obtain." - Mark Twain

7/28/09: "If there's anything unsettling to the stomach, it's watching actors on television talk about their personal lives." - Marlon Brando

7/27/09: "Furious activity is no substitute for understanding." - H.H. Williams

7/26/09: "Computer Science is no more about computers than Astronomy is about telescopes." - E.W. Dijkstra

7/24/09: "He who questions training only trains himself to ask questions." - Unknown

7/23/09:

Overheard:

A:You're always on vacation.

B:I'm always on antibiotics.

C:Which is like vacation for him with the right amount of alcohol at lunch.

7/22/09:

Overheard:

A: Where is that Flo-Rida guy from?

B: Miami, I think.

A: Oh, so Florida?

7/21/09: "This is here, that was then, set your direction and jet my friend." - Me

7/20/09: "Nothing is as simple as we hope it will be." - Jim Horning

****** 7/11/09 to 7/19/09 - No QOD. Ma bad*************

7/10/09: "We allow our ignorance to prevail upon us and make us think we can survive alone, alone in patches, alone in groups, alone in races, even alone in genders." - Maya Angelou

7/9/09: "I have suffered a great deal from writers who have quoted this or that sentence of mine either out of its context or in juxtaposition to some incongruous matter which quite distorted my meaning, or destroyed it altogether." - Alfred North Whitehead

7/8/09: "Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt of, not swallowed." - Josh Billings

7/7/09: "Just because you are blind, and unable to see my beauty doesn't mean it does not exist." - Margaret Cho

7/6/09: "If you really want to do something, you do it. You don't save it for a sound bite." - Liz Friedman

7/5/09: "If it weren't for my lawyer, I'd still be in prison. It went a lot faster with two people digging." - Joe Martin

7/4/09: "Howard Hughes was able to afford the luxury of madness, like a man who not only thinks he is Napoleon but hires an army to prove it." - Ted Morgan

7/3/09: "Does one of your green cards say, 'Bitch?'" - S.F. to my Mom during Apples to Apples

7/2/09: "Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings." - Ed Gardner

7/1/09: "I detest life-insurance agents; they always argue that I shall some day die, which is not so." - Stephen Leacock

6/30/09: "I had an epiphany a few years ago where I was out at a celebrity party and it suddenly dawned on me that I had yet to meet a celebrity who is as smart and interesting as any of my friends." - Moby

***********6/24 to 6/29: No quote of the day. Sue me. *****************

6/23/09: "I hate mankind, for I think myself one of the best of them, and I know how bad I am." - Joseph Baretti

6/22/09: "It pays to be obvious, especially if you have a reputation for subtlety." - Isaac Asimov

6/21/09: "There are more fools in the world than there are people." - Heinrich Hein

6/20/09: "I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when looked at in the right way, did not become still more complicated." - Poul Anderson

6/19/09: "What am I, a second story man? If it's adventures you want, make them up yourself!" - Firesign Theatre

6/18/09: "We must fear the indifference of good men." - Unknown

6/17/09: "As far as I'm concerned, I prefer silent vice to ostentatious virtue." - Albert Einstein

6/16/09: "Just gave my number to a bartender. Twitterverse, pray for SantaFrancisca to get some ass. Pray hard. BTW, she's drunk." - @SantaFrancisca

6/15/09: "Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use." - Wendell Johnson

6/14/09: "I love that man." - Derek Fisher about Phil Jackson after winning the NBA title

6/13/09: "It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything." - Unknown

6/12/09: "Humanity's gone, smoked up in a gravity bong by a Democrat and Republican Cheech and Chong." - Immortal Technique

6/11/09: "Hell is not a place you go if you're not a Christian, it's the failure of your life's greatest ambition." - Immortal Technique

6/10/09: "No matter how cynical you get, it is impossible to keep up." - Lily Tomlin

6/9/09: "How my achievements mock me!" - William Shakespeare

6/8/09: "Patriotism is the willingness to kill and be killed for trivial reasons." - Bertrand Russell

6/7/09: "We're playing exactly how we did in Game 1." - Stan Van Gundy during the Game 2 loss to the Lakers

6/6/09: "Those who welcome death have only tried it from the ears up." - Wilson Mizner

6/5/09: "They who question the training only train themselves to ask questions." - Unknown

6/4/09: "We need to find our game." - Stan Van Gundy during the Laker's beat down of Orlando in Game 1 of the NBA finals.

6/3/09: "I was thought to be 'stuck up.' I wasn't. I was just sure of myself. This is and always has been an unforgivable quality to the unsure." - Bette Davis

6/2/09: "I must study politics and war that my sons may have liberty to study mathematics and philosophy. My sons ought to study mathematics and philosophy, geography, natural history, naval architecture, navigation, commerce, and agriculture, in order to give their children a right to study painting, poetry, music, architecture, statuary, tapestry, and porcelain." - John Adams

6/1/09: "There are few nudities so objectionable as the naked truth." - Agnes Repplier

5/31/09: "Get this fucking dude off of me." - Eminem after Bruno (Sascha Baron Cohen) was dropped half naked into his lap at the MTV music awards.

5/30/09: Patrick's addendum to the 5/28/09 quote: "Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at." - Jimmy Demaret "And if you're at least ok, your partner should have a good time too." - PJ Ryan

5/29/09: "We're dressing monkeys up as people and monkeys are playing with people as toys!" - Tracy Jordan, 30 Rock

5/28/09: "Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at." - Jimmy Demaret

5/27/09: "University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small." - Henry Kissinger

5/26/09: "What did I tell you about building forts in my warehouse?" - Daryl, The Office

5/25/09: "It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society." - Krishnamurti

5/24/09: "Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time." - Steven Wright

5/23/09: "Life is what happens to you when you're busy making other plans." - John Lennon

5/22/09: "It's not stalking if it's helping." - @auburnelle

5/21/09: "They are in for a bitter surprise. I am not to be truffled with." - Michael Scott, The Office

5/20/09: "Mom, don't encourage her." - Me to Mom about someone's girlfriend

5/19/09: "I know in my mind that the laws of this country are more important than those 15 people. I know that. But I don't think my heart could ever live with it." - Jack Bauer, 24

5/18/09: "It is on like a prawn who yawns at dawn." - Andy Bernard, The Office

********Due to a new job, commute, CSET exam and other nonsense, I failed on quote of the day from 5/2 to 5/17. Damn. ******************

5/1/09: "Dwight, let me explain something to you. I set the rules and you follow them blindly." - Michael Scott, The Office

4/30/09: "I had a monumental idea this morning but I didn't like it." - Samuel Goldwyn

4/29/09: "No man remains quite what he was when he recognizes himself." - Thomas Mann

4/28/09: "You and I seek similar stars but can't sit at the same feast." - Aesop Rock, "Daylight"

4/27/09: "Life's not a bitch, life is a beautiful woman, you only call her a bitch because she wouldn't let you get that p***y. Maybe she didn't feel y'all shared any similar interests, or maybe you're just the asshole who couldn't sweet talk the princess." - Aesop Rock, "Daylight"

4/26/09: "The problem with psychology is that it works on everyone but you." - @dynamics

4/25/09: "Starkwood is not in the business of political assassination Doug. But maybe we should look into it, I hear it's a growth market." - Jonas Hodges, 24

4/24/09: "Without you, today's emotions would be the scourge of yesterday's." - Hipolito

4/23/09: "I don't care if Ryan killed his whole family, he's like a son to me." - Michael Scott, The Office

4/22/09: "You're wise Liz Lemon, like a genetically manipulated shark." - Tracy Morgan, 30 Rock

4/21/09: "Friendship and trust in the entourage is the most important thing. Like that HBO show, 'John Adams.' " -Tracy Jordan, 30 Rock

4/20/09: "Everything's better with a bag of weed." - Family Guy

4/19/09: "Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself." - A.H. Weiler

4/18/09: "Two rim shots and I lose." - @dynamics

4/17/09: "I didn't come here to debate the past -- I came here to deal with the future. As neighbors, we have a responsibility to each other and to our citizens. And by working together, we can take important steps forward to advance prosperity, security and liberty." - President Obama on relations with Cuba

******Due to scheduling, taxes and other general nonsense, I missed the quote of the day from the 9th to the 16th. Boo on me. *********************

4/8/09: "We have the best Congress that money can buy." - Will Rogers

4/7/09: "Science may never come up with a better office communication system than the coffee break." - Earl Wilson

4/6/09: "Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died." - Erma Louise Bombeck

4/5/09: "4 out of 3 people have problems with fractions." - Unknown

4/4/09: "Weakness of attitude becomes weakness of character." - Albert Einstein

4/3/09: "I love the smell of Friday in the morning." - Julia Yates

4/2/09: "I love SF. I just got hit by a car. The driver has a whore for a mother. Yes I'm ok. Apparently my bright red sweater is invisible." - @tehdik4/1/09: "I'm so glad I have you. You're fairly sane and the insanity in you is fun." - Za to me

3/31/09: "Isn't growing up fun? Now your next step is paying for music." - @tehdik to @ljharb

3/30/09: "I didn't want to. With every fiber of my being I didn't want to do it. But I exercised anyway. now I feel like having burger king." - @Saharabloom

3/29/09: "What is the alternative to capitalism? Our whole lives depend on trade. Central planning (communism) gets corrupted so what else is there?" - Mike Skinner (The Streets)

3/28/09: "Jack Bauer prefers windows. Door are for women, children, and people he kicks through them." - @JackFacts24

3/27/09: "A doctor is just a guy in a white coat." - Snake Doctor, The Unit

3/26/09: "I was so nervous about this I don't think I ate for three days." - Michael Scott on The Office about donating blood.

3/25/09: "In the end, everything is a gag." - Charlie Chaplin

3/24/09: "Everyone gets old except the dead. An unacceptable solution." - Snake Doctor, The Unit

3/23/09: "They chose to tug on Superman's cape here." - Joe Morgan on Korea pitching to Ichiro in the finals of the WBC with 1st base open.

3/22/09: "There must be more to life than having everything." - Maurice Sendak

3/21/09: "For a list of all the ways that technology has failed to improve the quality of life, please press 3." - Alice Kahn

3/20/09: "Few people can see genius in someone who has offended them." - Robertson Davies

3/19/09: "It's madness, Baby!!!" - Dick Vitale

3/18/09: "I wonder if she's venture-backed." - Gavroche

3/17/09: "I'm Patrick Ryan." - Me, in a bar, with fake Irish accent

3/16/09: "It is well that war is so terrible - otherwise we would grow too fond of it." - Robert E. Lee

3/15/09: "Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do." - Jean-Paul Sartre

3/14/09: Happy Pi-Day!

3/13/09: "Play: work that you enjoy doing for nothing." - Evan Esar

3/12/09: "Why do writers write? Because it isn't there." - Thomas Berger

3/11/09: "Laughter is the closest distance between two people." - Victor Borge

3/10/09: "The trouble with weather forecasting is that it's right too often for us to ignore it and wrong too often for us to rely on it." - Patrick Young

3/9/09: "Is sloppiness in speech caused by ignorance or apathy? I don't know and I don't care." - William Safire

3/8/09: "It is possible to be below flattery as well as above it." - Thomas Babington Macauly

3/7/09: "What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds." - Cindy Gardner

3/6/09: "You know that stuff that they teach you in kindergarten about being yourself? Don't ever be yourself. It's the kiss of death." - Belle, Secret Diary of a Call Girl

3/5/09: "I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them." - E.V. Lucas

3/4/09: "A signature always reveals a man's character - and sometimes even his name." - Evan Esar

3/3/09: "Part of being sane, is being a little bit crazy." - Janet Long

3/2/09: "We have learned to fly the air like birds, we have learned to swim the seas like fish and yet we haven't learned to walk the earth as brothers and sisters." - Martin Luther King, Jr.

3/1/09: "If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style." - Quentin Crisp

2/28/09: "I don't really trust a sane person." - Lyle Alzado

2/27/09: "What we did wasn't wrong. It was necessary." - Jack Bauer

2/26/09: "It was the egg rolls not the ecstasy." - Kenny Powers, Eastbound and Down

2/25/09: "Be a voice, not an echo." - Anonymous

2/24/09: "Don't tell God you have a big problem. Tell your problem you have a big God." - Anonymous

2/23/09: "Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons." - Woody Allen

2/22/09: "A single death is a tragedy; a million deaths is a statistic." - Joseph Stalin

2/21/09: "Football is a mistake. It combines the two worst elements of American life. Violence and committee meetings." - George F. Will

2/20/09: "Fall not in love, therefore; it will stick to your face." - National Lampoon, Deteriorata

2/19/09: "I do not know which makes a man more conservative - to know nothing but the present, or nothing but the past." - John Maynard Keynes

2/18/09: "Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even when there is no river." - Nikita Khrushchev

2/17/09: "The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues." - Elizabeth Taylor

2/16/09: "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy and Jill a rich widow." - Evan Esar

2/15/09: "I hope life isn't a big joke because I don't get it." - Jack Handey

2/14/09: ""You can't tell time, time tells you." - Steven Bauer

2/13/09: "Never doubt the benefit of giving others the benefit of the doubt." - Joe Wilken

2/12/09: "Employ thy time well, if thou meanest to get leisure." Benjamin Franklin

2/11/09: "I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve." - JRR Tolkien

2/10/09: "Lies are like children: they're hard work, but it's worth it because the future depends on them." - Pam Davis

2/9/09: "The second half of a man's life is made up of nothing but the habits he has acquired during the first half." - Fyodor Dostoyevsky

2/8/09: "Get it real and get it right." - Horoscope

2/7/09: "Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know." - Ernest Hemingway

2/6/09: "A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms." - George Wald

2/5/09: "I'm trying to get them to calm down Dia., but they just don't want to." - R.R.

2/4/09: "I love to bang chicks with all my heart." - @Hosin

2/3/09: "Now is the time for all good men to come to." - Walt Kelly

2/2/09: "Seriousness is the only refuge of the shallow." - Oscar Wilde

2/1/09: "I hope that when I die, people say about me, 'Boy, that guy sure owed me a lot of money." - Jack Handey

1/31/09: "This is what happens: you imagine the things I will say and then say them for me and then become angry with them. Without my mouth; it never opens. You speak to yourself, inventing sides." - Marathe, Infinite Jest1/30/09: "I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones." - Albert Einstein

1/29/09: "Cockroaches and socialites are the only things that can stay up all night and eat anything. - Herb Caen

1/28/09: "Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning how to dance in the rain." - B. Rodinsky

1/27/09: "Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country." - JFK

1/26/09: "We are here and it is now. Further than that all human knowledge is moonshine. - H. L. Mencken

1/25/09: "If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error." - John Kenneth Galbraith

1/24/09: "I'm so happy you're here. I haven't felt this energized at work since the week they tried to teach us Farsi." - Head of FBC, 30 Rock

1/23/09: {looking at birth control} "Why don't I cross off the days like the people in the movies?" - Liz Lemon, 30Rock

1/22/09: "Liz Lemon, do you know what it's like to care about your job when everyone around you is just goofing off and acting like goofballs?" - Tracy Morgan, 30Rock

1/21/09: "A kleptomaniac is someone who helps himself because he can't help himself." - Henry Morgan

1/20/09: "Thought is only a flash between two long nights, but that flash is everything." - Henri Poincare

1/19/09: "Everyone rises to their level of incompetence." - Laurence Peter

1/18/09: "It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off." - Woody Allen

1/17/09: "It is bad luck to be superstitious." - Andrew Mathis

1/16/09: "I have to tell you I am so impressed by the potential you see in me." - Michael Scott, The Office

1/15/09: "If you can find something everyone agrees on, it's wrong." - Mo Udall

1/14/09: "I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars." - Fred Allen

1/13/09: "Folks, the point is, I absolutely love my Rolex and I'll be able to get plenty of good use out of the office supplies that ultimately may or may not have been stolen." - Amy's Dad, Life and Times of Tim

1/12/09: "Unless commitment is made, there are only promises and hopes...but no plans." - Peter Drucker

1/11/09: "Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday." - Don Marquis

1/10/09: "You can't wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club." - Jack London

1/9/08: "The appearance of the law must be upheld, especially while it is being broken." - Tammany, Gangs of New York

1/8/09: "Keep an eye on everyone, see what they do, and, um, report back to me, I don't know, when it makes sense." - CIA Superior, Burn After Reading

1/7/09: "Perpetual devotion to what a man calls his business, is only to be sustained by perpetual neglect of many other things." - Robert Louis Stevenson

1/6/09: "Never tell anyone that you're writing a book, going on a diet, exercising, taking a course, or quitting smoking. They'll encourage you to death." - Lynn Johnston

1/5/09: "The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be." - Paul Valery

1/4/09: "Think of what would happen to us in America if there were no humorists; life would be one long Congressional record." - Tom Masson

1/3/09: "There was a time when we expected nothing of our children but obedience, as opposed to the present, when we expect everything of them but obedience." - Anatole Broyard

1/2/09: "Thanks to TV and for the convenience of TV, you can only be one of two kinds of human beings, either a liberal or a conservative." - Kurt Vonnegut

1/1/09: "Maybe this world is another planet's hell." - Aldous Huxley

12/31/08: "Girls are always running through my mind. They don't dare walk." - Andy Gibb

12/30/08: "I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me." - Noel Coward

12/29/08: "Before a war military science seems like real science, like astronomy; but after war it seems more like astrology." - Rebecca West

12/28/08: "If we couldn't laugh, we would all go insane." - Jimmy Buffett

12/27/08: "There is always a well known solution to every human problem -- neat, plausible and wrong." - H.L. Mencken

12/26/08: "I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours." - Jerome K. Jerome

12/25/08: Merry Christmas!

12/24/08: "People say that life is the thing, but I prefer reading." - Logan Pearsall Smith

12/23/08: "A liberal is a person whose interests aren't at stake at the moment." - Willis Player

12/22/08: "See Joey, that's the beauty of argument, because if you argue correctly, you're never wrong." - Nick Nailor, Thank You For Smoking

12/21/08: "There is nothing worse than aggressive stupidity." - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

12/20/08: "A censor is a man who knows more than he thinks you ought to." - Granville Hicks

12/19/08: "Well it's a thought. I was hoping for something a little more inspiring, but at least you're thinking. The rest of you people slam your fucking brains against your desk until something useful comes out." - BR, Thank You for Smoking

12/18/08: "The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naive forgive and forget; the wise forgive but do not forget." - Thomas Szasz

12/17/08: "Americans detest all lies except lies spoken in public or printed lies." - Edgar Watson Howe

12/16/08: "You couldn't hear a dump truck driving through a nitroglycerin plant." Uncle Lou, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation

12/15/08: "I hate mankind for I consider myself one of the best of them, and I know how bad I am." - Joseph Baretti

12/14/08: "Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him." - John Barrymore

12/13/08: "We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office." - Aesop

12/12/08: "Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling someone else is driving." - Dave Letterman

12/11/08: "It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues." - Abraham Lincoln

12/10/08: "Everything is vague to a degree you do not realize til you have tried to make it precise." - Bertrand Russell

12/9/08: "Do not do unto others as you would that they should do unto you. Their tastes may not be the same." - George Bernard Shaw

12/8/08: "Oh, come on. If you can't laugh at the walking dead, who can you laugh at?" - Dan Fielding, Night Court

12/7/08: "I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." - Robert Orben

12/6/08: "Communism doesn't work because people like to own stuff." - Frank Zappa

12/4/08: "All marriages are mixed marriages." - Chantal Saperstein

12/3/08: "It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims." - Aristotle

12/2/08: "I can remember when the air was clean and the sex was dirty." - George Burns

12/1/08: "The word 'meaningful' when used today is nearly always meaningless." - Paul Johnson

11/30/08: "Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic." - Arthur C. Clarke

11/29/08: "Invention is the mother of necessity." - Thorstein Veblen

11/28/08: "If little else, the brain is an educational toy." - Tom Robbins

11/27/08: "I am a deeply superficial person." - Andy Warhol

11/26/08: "I'm gonna die unless you kill me." Ethan Hunt, Mission Impossible 3

11/25/08: "Just last week, I was at a mandatory pep rally and they threatened to kick my ass because I wouldn't give them an 'o.' I mean, I just gave them a 'g,' what am I, made of letters?" - Steve Smith, American Dad

11/24/08: "Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." - Jane Wagner

11/23/08: "In the United States there is more space where nobody is than where anybody is. That is what makes America what it is." - Gertrude Stein

11/22/08: "There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line." - Oscar Levant

11/21/08: "Rodney, you're like a porn Picasso." - Stu, The Life and Times of Tim

11/20/08: "I don't do if. I'm only about when." - Vic Mackey

11/19/08: "Each shot is my next shot and that's the most important shot for me, so that's what I'm going to focus on." - Ray Allen, Boston Celtics

11/18/08: "My girlfriend doesn't walk on hooves madame, and as far as I know, she's never been hunted to extinction." - Steve Smith, American Dad

11/17/08: "There's a lot of life to grab, and you can't grab it when you're asleep. So caffeine, if that's going to help me grab more of life, I'm going to be a caffeine user." - Shock-a-Lots spokesman

11/16/08: "A wise man will make more opportunities than he finds." - Sir Francis Bacon

11/15/08: "The sad truth is that excellence makes people nervous." - Shana Alexander

11/14/08: "Lookout is the hardest part. It's like the danger zone, the stuff that like, Kenny Loggins was talking about." - Rodney, The Life and Times of Tim

11/13/08: "Wait! This can't end badly! You're my first girlfriend!" - Steve Smith, American Dad

11/12/08: "You know what, Tim? You may do a lot of things that make you look like a total jackass, but deep down I think your heart's in the right place." - Stu's Dad, The Life and Times of Tim

11/11/08: "When you start giving communion, Tim, with shots of Jaeger it's time to reel it in. That's when you know, as a Priest, reel it in." - Priest, The Life and Times of Tim

11/10/08: "I'd rather be acting crazy than feeling crazy. That's good Stan, I'm gonna write that down when we land, oops, already forgot it." - Stan, American Dad

11/9/08: "The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised." - George Will

11/8/08: "I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you want, an adorable pancreas?" - Jean Kerr

11/7/08: "Blobsnark loves fixing toilets and mopping and taking her nails and going at the grout that builds up from human waste. It's her passion." - Bashko, The Life and Times of Tim

11/6/08: "How can you not like cake? It's like air for the body." - Stu, The Life and Times of Tim

11/5/08: "This victory alone is not the change we seek, it is only the chance for us to make that change." - President-elect Barack Obama

11/4/08: "Susan's deaf?...We email a lot. I never even noticed that she never hears me." - Tim, The Life and Times of Tim

11/3/08: "The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously." - Hubert Humphrey

11/2/08: "Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted." - Martin Luther King, Jr.

11/1/08: "There are more of them than us." - Herb Caen

10/31/08: "Look, here's the plan. You give us a shitload of money. We buy a shitload of gasoline. We wait 12 months, we sell the gasoline and we make a shitload of profit." - Mack, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

10/30/08: "I have 50 cats howling outside my window because I have 10,000 rats running around my building. I'm not an idiot. There's a reason to do the things that I do." - Charlie, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

10/29/08: "Never give a party if you will be the most interesting person there." - Mickey Friedman

10/28/08:
Avi: So what should I call you, "Bullet"? "Tooth"?
Bullet Tooth Tony: You can call me Susan if it makes you happy.
- Snatch

10/27/08: "Lot of people are bugging their babies these days. I guess babies can't be trusted." -Frank, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

10/26/08: "The average man, who does not know what to do with his life, wants another one which will last forever." - Anatole France

10/25/08: "We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police." - Jeff Marder

10/24/08: "Sir, we all have cats that we'd like to be playing with right now." - Charlie, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

10/23/08: "You can't kidnap more people to cover-up the original kidnapping! It's a classic mistake!" - Mack, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

10/22/08: "Ok, I think we're all on the same page here...this is NOT a kidnapping." - Mack, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

10/21/08: "Computer says, 'Nooooo.'" - Carol Beer, Little Britain USA

10/20/08: "So much of what we call management consists in making it difficult for people to work." - Peter Drucker

10/19/08: "Critics search for ages for the wrong word, which, to give them credit, they usually find." - Peter Ustinov

10/18/08: "What is youth except a man or a woman before it is ready or fit to be seen?" - Evelyn Waugh

10/17/08: "He has not stopped working for a second. At 12:45 he sneezed while keeping his eyes open, which I always thought was impossible. At 1:32 he peed, and I know that because he did it in an open soda bottle under the desk while filling out expense reports. And on the flip side, I have been so busy watching him that I haven't even started work. It's exhausting, being this vigilant. I'll probably have to go home early today." - Jim, The Office

10/16/08: "Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat." - John Lehman

10/15/08:
Dennis: [at an abortion rally] I think all these chicks are gay.
Sweet Dee: Yeah, I don't know that they're gay, I think they can just smell how disgusting you are.
- It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

10/14/08: "I finally figured out the only reason to be alive is to enjoy it." - Rita Mae Brown

10/13/08: "Change has a considerable psychological impact on the human mind. To the fearful it is threatening because it means that things may get worse. To the hopeful it is encouraging because things may get better. To the confident it is inspiring because the challenge exists to make things better." - King Whitney Jr.

10/12/08: "It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune." - Woody Allen

10/11/08: "An incompetent attorney can delay trial for months or years. A competent attorney can delay one even longer." - Evelle J. Younger

10/10/08: "If you hadn't been doing what you were doing, you never would have done what you did." - AC

10/9/08: "Here lies the bravest soldier I've seen since my mirror got grease on it. I hereby order that in Bender's honor he be melted down and made into a statue of himself." - Zapp Brannigan

10/8/08: "You must first have a lot of patience to learn to have patience." - Stanislaw Lec

10/7/08: "Talk low, talk slow, and don't talk too much." - John Wayne

10/6/08: "The nice thing about egotists is they don't talk about other people." - Lucille Harper

10/5/08: "It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy." - Groucho Marx

10/4/08: "Drill baby, drill." - Republican war chant

10/3/08: "The reverse side also has a reverse side." - Japanese Proverb

10/2/08: "You cannot make a man by standing a sheep on its hind legs. But by standing a flock of sheep in that position, you can make a crowd of men." - Max Beerbohm

10/1/08: "The great thing about Democracy is that it gives every voter a chance to do something stupid." - Art Spander

9/30/08: "Life is full of misery, loneliness and suffering - and it's all over much too soon." - Woody Allen

9/29/08: "Forever will give me maybe, now will give me anything." - new ink

9/28/08: "Somebody has to do something, and it's just incredibly pathetic that it has to be us." - Jerry Garcia

9/27/08: "Happy Birthday K!!!"

9/26/08: "How many ways can I say I'm done fishin'?/You wanted the role, smashed the audition/Having a partner for a man in my position eliminates the cooks in the kitchen." - Little Brother, "Breakin' My Heart"

9/25/08: "You may tire of me, as our December sun is setting, 'cause I'm not who I used to be." - Death Cab for Cutie, "Brothers on a Hotel Bed"

9/24/08: "The best way to predict the future is to invent it." - Alan Kay

9/23/08: "Hal likes to get high in secret, but a bigger secret is that he's as attached to the secrecy as he is to getting high." - David Foster Wallace, Infinite Jest


9/22/08: "Total utilization of available resources = lack of publicly detectable waste." - David Foster Wallace, Infinite Jest


9/21/08: "Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to the dark side." - Yoda, Star Wars: Phantom Menace


9/20/08: "Do or do not. There is no try." - Yoda, Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back


9/19/08: "We need to hunt a human." - Mack, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

9/18/08: "She wouldn't fuck me, but she fucked you. Well fuck her. And fuck you!!" - Doug, Weeds

9/17/08: "People who have what they want are fond of telling people who haven't what they want that they really don't want it." - Ogden Nash

9/16/08: "Perhaps in time the so-called Dark Ages will be thought of as including our own." - Georg Lichtenberg

9/15/08: "The universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest." - Kilgore Trout

9/14/08: "Scandal is gossip made tedious by morality." - Oscar Wilde

9/13/08: "A good listener is a good talker with a sore throat." - Katherine Whitehorn

9/12/08: "Those who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night." - Edgar Allen Poe

9/11/08: "We're all free men protected by the Constitution. You can look anywhere you want Chief." - Jacks, Sons of Anarchy

9/10/08: "When the men from Uncle are cruising Alvarado looking for Osama, I'll be sweating some good old-fashioned trash talking American dipshit." - Vic Mackey, The Shield

9/9/08: "We haven't had a vampire in here since they came out of the coffin." - Sookie Stackhouse, True Blood

9/8/08: "I'm feeling anemic." - XC runner

9/7/08: "Liberty without learning is always in peril; learning without liberty is always in vain." - JFK

9/6/08: "You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus." - Mark Twain

9/5/08: "...so I moved to California to get away from drugs." - Jerry Stahl, Permanent Midnight

9/4/08: "I'm not a Republican because I grew up rich. I'm a Republican because I didn't want to spend the rest of my life poor waiting for the government to rescue me." - Mike Huckabee

9/3/08: "I rap for listeners, blunt heads, fly ladies and prisoners." - Nas

9/2/08: "You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could know how seldom they do." - Olin Miller

9/1/08: "Try to learn something about everything and everything about something." - Aldous Huxley

8/31/08: "There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else." - James Thurber

8/30/08: "I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book." - Groucho Marx

8/29/08: "I truly believe the best is yet to come." - Michael Jackson on his 50th birthday

8/28/08: "Foxy got you all hot cause you down in her bush, what, you think you get girls now because of your looks?" - Nas to Jay-Z on "Ether"

8/20-8/27: "I want my computer back, damnit." - Me, with no computer, unable to update daily.

8/19/08: "Thanks for not buying us Bud Light." - Fraternity boys to P when he bought them pitchers of Guiness

8/18/08: "What if this weren't a hypothetical question?" - Unknown

8/17/08: "And then everyone wants to say 50's a great lyricist." - Q-Tip @ Rock the Bells

8/16/08: "Men who never get carried away should be." - Malcolm Forbes

8/15/08: "A nation is a society united by delusions about its ancestry and by common hatred of its neighbors." - William Inge

8/14/08: "I represent SanDisk, the main sponsor of the event, and would love to extend
the invitation to be our VIP at the event with backstage access where you
can mingle with artists and enjoy food and beverage." - Brooke Hughes, inviting me to VIP at Rock the Bells

8/13/08: "I hope that doesn't mean that Michael Phelps will be traded to another country." - Dumb Ass Bob Costas

8/12/08: "Happy Birthday you fucking troll." - Me to Hessica

8/11/08: "When everyone is somebody, then no one's anybody." - W.S. Gilbert

8/10/08: "Success didn't spoil me, I've always been insufferable." - Fran Lebowitz

8/9/08: "The idea of all-0out nuclear war is unsettling." - Walter Goodman

8/8/08: "These aren't Cheech and Chong plants." - John Walters, Director of the National Drug Control Policy about plants found growing in the Sequoia National Forest

8/7/08: "Nothing vanishes without a trace." - Cancerman, The X-Files

8/6/08: "Forever will give me maybe. Now will give me anything." - Me

8/5/08: "In the end, everything is a gag." - Charlie Chaplin

8/4/08: "Ability will never catch up with the demand for it." - Malcolm Forbes

8/3/08: "A kleptomaniac is a person who helps himself because he can't help himself." - Henry Morgan

8/2/08: "I have money enough to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something." - Jackie Mason

8/1/08: "I'm richer than y'all I got a bank full of pride." - L'il Wayne

7/31/08: "These hands, they keep touching me in places." - Robot Devil, Futurama

7/30/08: "I've, uh, vertically integrated myself. You know, diversified and shit, and now I'm into the occasional grand larceny, home invasion... shit like that." - Snoopy Miller, Out of Sight

7/29/08: "I found something I thought I'd lost...the faith to keep looking." - Fox Mulder, The X-Files

7/28/08: "You hurt me in places I didn't know I had feelings before." - Me

7/27/08: "To be great is to be misunderstood." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

7/26/08: "Those who would give up essential liberty to purchase a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety." - Benjamin Franklin

7/25/08: "We have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night." - Anonymous

7/24/08: "Winning may not be everything, but losing has little to recommend it." - Dianne Feinstein

7/23/08: "Pessimism is an emotion not a philosophy." - Immortal Technique

7/22/08: "I didn't lie. I willingly participated in a campaign of misinformation." - Fox Mulder, The X-Files

7/21/08: "One to-day is worth two to-morrows." - Ben Franklin

7/20/08: "My definition of an expert in any field is a person who knows enough about what's really going on to be scared." - PJ Plauger

7/19/08: "Life is far too important a thing ever to talk seriously about." - Oscar Wilde

7/18/08: "I've got knives in my eyes, I'm going home." - Brendan, Brick

7/17/08: "Fuck those mortals." - Me, after skipping the line at The Dark Knight

7/16/08: "I'm afraid of bats, Alfred. It's time my enemies share my dread." - Bruce Wayne, Batman Begins

7/15/08: "My anger outweighs my guilt." - Bruce Wayne, Batman Begins

7/14/08: "The real distinction is between those who adapt their purposes to reality and those who seek to mold reality in the light of their purposes." - Henry Kissinger

7/13/08: "No one who cannot rejoice in the discovery of his own mistakes deserves to be called a scholar." - Donald Foster

7/12/08: "No man ever listened himself out of a job." - Calvin Coolidge

7/11/08: "The remarkable thing about Shakespeare is that he really is very good, in spite of all the people who say he is very good." - Robert Graves

7/10/08: "An optimist stays up to see the New Year in. A pessimist waits to make sure the old one leaves." - Bill Vaughan

7/9/08: "There was a swim cruise?" - Hessica, the day after the swim cruise

7/8/08: "This is blood for blood and by the gallon. These are the old days, the bad days, the all-or-nothing days." - Marv, Sin City

7/7/08: "Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before." - Mae West

7/6/08: "You don't get anything clean without getting something else dirty." - Cecil Baxter

7/5/08: "My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income." - Errol Flynn

7/4/08: "I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her." - Rodney Dangerfield

7/3/08: "Well I love today because..." - 50% of Za and I's conversation on GChat today.

7/2/08: "We don't really have that much family. Are you sure it's a good idea to kill one of them off?" - Silas Botwin, Weeds

7/1/08: "The people I distrust most are those who want to improve our lives but have only one course of action." - Frank Herbert

6/30/08: "You wrap it up!" - Za to a homeless person who not only requested our leftover burritos, but asked us to wrap them up for her.

6/29/08: "A happy childhood has spoiled many a promising life." - Robertson Davies

6/28/08: "Efficiency is intelligent laziness." - Anonymous

6/27/08: "Abracadabra, I'm up like Viagra." - Lil Wayne

6/26/08: "I'm kind of jealous of the life I'm supposedly leading." - Zach Braff

6/25/08: "All truths are easy to understand once they are discovered; the point is to discover them." - Galileo

6/24/08: "I'm not a crack rapper, I'm not a backpacker, I'm not a wack rapper moonlighting as a bad actor." - Immortal Technique, "Reverse Pimpology"

6/23/08: "What good is a good education with no direction?/Like the right to vote with no one to vote for in an election." - Immortal Technique, "That's What It Is"

6/22/08: "Life is a long lesson in humility." - James Barrie

6/21/08: "I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception." - Groucho Marx

6/20/08: "Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate." - Thomas Jones

6/19/08: "This is like breakfast except you haven't slept." - Coach G at the Crepe Stand, 2am.

6/18/08: "Anything is possible!!!" - Kevin Garnett, after winning his first NBA Championship

6/17/08: "Down in front!" - Fan behind me at the Giants game last night, to the batter in the on deck circle.

6/16/08: "And remember, no matter where you go there you are." - Earl Mac Rauch

6/15/08: "The future is here. It's just not widely distributed yet." - William Gibson

6/14/08: "Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book." - Ronald Reagan

6/13/08: "Alright boys, let's go pray and get shit faced." - Tommy Dunn, Death to Smoochy

6/12/08: "I'm obnoxious, motherfucker, can't you tell?/Run through Little Havana yelling, "Viva Fidel!"/Jerk off with the sheets when I stay at hotels/sipping Bacardi at AA meetings, smoking an L." - Immortal Technique

6/11/08: Steve Zissou: Anne-Marie, do all the interns get Glocks?
Anne-Marie Sakowitz: No, they all share one. - Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou

6/10/08: "Sorry, you caught me with one foot off the merry-go-round." - Steve Zissou, The Life Aquatic

6/9/08: "Just because your voice reaches halfway around the world doesn't mean you are wiser than when it reached only to the end of the bar." - Edward Murrow

6/8/08: "Nothing is impossible. Some things are just less likely than others." - Jonathan Winters

6/7/08: "An economist is a man who states the obvious in terms of the incomprehensible." - Alfred Knopf

6/6/08: "Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it." - Dan Quayle

6/5/08: "Cough syrup? That's a dumb way to get loaded, Jack." - Francis, The Darjeeling Limited

6/4/08: "Look at all these white people. Last night everyone was ethnic." - JK

6/3/08: "It's never too early to start beefing up your obituary." - The Most Interesting Man in the World

6/2/08: "Public speaking is the art of diluting a two-minute idea with a two-hour vocabulary." - Evan Esar

6/1/08: "Never believe anything until it has been officially denied." - Claud Cockburn

5/31/08: "Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest." - Mark Twain

5/30/08: "The worst stab wound is the one to the heart. Sure, most people survive it, but the heart is never quite the same. There's always a scar, which is meant, I guess, to remind you that even for a little while, someone made your heart beat faster. And that's a scar you can live with, proudly, all the days of your life." - Augustus Hill, Oz

5/29/08: "I'm planning a surprise party. But don't tell Red. He hasn't liked surprises since Pearl Harbor." - Kitty, That 70s Show

5/28/08: "I'm from where they lost the true meaning of the Qur'an because heroin is not compatible with Islam/and n-ggas know that but they grow that poppy seed anyway because that food drop parachute does not come everyday." - Immortal Technique

5/27/08: "Instead of giving politicians keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks." - Doug Larson

5/26/08: "In the future everyone will be famous for 15 minutes." - Andy Warhol

5/25/08: "Knowledge is power, if you know it about the right person." - Ethel Mumford

5/24/08: "Men live in a fantasy world. I know this because I am one and I actually receive my mail there." - Scott Adams

5/23/08: "We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are." - Anais Nin

5/22/08: "Madison (WI) is a utopia in the midst of Hell." - Anne of Madison, WI

5/21/08: "I've gone through a DUI checkpoint trashed and not been caught. You know why? Because I'm a white guy in a Volkswagen." - Anonymous fan at Giants' game

5/20/08: "If I only had a little humility, I'd be perfect." - Ted Turner

5/19/08: "When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." - Henry Youngman

5/18/08: "Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet." - Mae West

5/17/08: "Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together." - Carl Zwanzig

5/16/08: "They push pop music like a religion, anorexic celebrity driven, financial fantasy fiction." - Immortal Technique

5/15/08: "Show me a pretty girl with the world stuck to her, and I'll bet you there's a brother who's tired of fucking her." - Immortal Technique

5/14/08: "Half truth? How come it's never called a half lie?" - Augustus Hill, Oz

5/13/08: "I love the place I live but I hate the people in charge." - Immortal Technique

5/12/08: "There is always some madness in love. But there is always some reason in madness." - Nietzsche

5/11/08: "To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three men, two of whom are absent." - Robert Copeland

5/10/08: "We rarely think people have good sense unless they agree with us." - Francois de la Rochefoucauld

5/9/08: "One of these days I'm going to explain to you how balanced budgets work, but they're kinda like an ATM." - Arturro

5/8/08: "I wonder if the email takes longer because we're farther away." - K, in Iowa

5/7/08: "Lower your standards and raise your average." - Dan, Iowa

5/6/08: "That big huge fucking joint was huge!" - Me, last night at the Skylark

5/5/08: "This is Iowa." - Family Traditional

5/4/08: "You guys aren't from around here, are you?" - Bartender @ Scooter's

5/3/08: "Have you ever tried farming not high? It's boring as shit!" - Farmer, Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay

5/2/08: "I'll give you her name, you can check her out on MyFace." - Mom

5/1/08: "K: It's like shooting fish in a barrel.
Me: How's it anything like shooting fish in a barrel?
K: I guess it's not."

4/30/08: "You can't buy silence - you can only rent it." - George Stark, The Zero Effect

4/29/08: "Nostalgia isn't what it used to be." - Peter de Vries

4/28/08: "I'm not under-privileged, I'm culturally retarded." - Hessica

4/27/08: "This is like deja vu all over again." - Yogi Berra

4/26/08: "What we anticipate seldom occurs; what we least expected generally happens." - Benjamin Disraeli

4/25/08: "I'm optimistic because everyday I get a little more desperate, and desperate situations yield quicker results." - Michael Scott, The Office

4/24/08: "I'm a catch and I'm not going to be the one who got away." - Michael Scott, The Office

4/23/08: "Thanks for the free beers, and everything else that was free." - Zack

4/22/08: "What's the fate of that joint?" - Hessica Hartzell

4/21/08: "The answer is always no when you don't ask." - Patricia Fripp

4/20/08: "Would those of you in the cheap seats clap your hands? And the rest of you, if you'll just rattle your jewelry." - John Lennon

4/19/08: "The secret of eternal youth is arrested development." - Alice Longworth

4/18/08: "I am prepared to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter." - Winston Churchill

4/17/08: "He told them to look not at the facts, but at the meaning of the facts. Then he said the facts had no meaning." - Ed Crane, The Man Who Wasn't There

4/16/08: "Did you know that candles are the #1 fastest growing product in the scent and aroma market?" - Michael Scott, The Office

4/15/08: "I bought this condo to fill with children." - Michael Scott, The Office

4/14/08: "It goes down smooth, but it's more than I can fit." - Hayden

4/13/08: "The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible." - Jean Kerr

4/12/08: "I have opinions of my own - strong opinions - but I don't always agree with them." - George Bush

4/11/08: "Try not to die." - Larry David

4/10/08: "When the caskets close, you can't take the cash with you." - Blue Scholars

4/9/08: "It's funny how on the block, they'll kill you for cash, but never raise the gun to cry out, 'Freedom at last!'" - Immortal Technique

4/8/08: "Even though we survived through the struggle that made us, we still look at ourselves through the eyes of people that hate us." - Immortal Technique

4/7/08: "Lovesick? I don't love her man. I just think we should be having sex is all cause she'd enjoy it." - Hyde, That 70's Show

4/6/08: Never knock on Death's door: ring the bell and run away! Death really hates that!" - Matt Frewer

4/5/08: "The road to Hell is paved with adverbs." - Stephen King

4/4/08: "If the flow is strong I'm smart, if you're stupid it's not art." - The Grouch

4/3/08: "Immorals got nothing to do with it." - 3:10 to Yuma

4/2/08: "Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity." - Seneca

4/1/08: "'Why's it raining so hard,' a young child asked his mother. She said, 'God is crying because we're killing each other.'" - Akrobatik

3/31/08: "The great thing about human language is that it prevents us from sticking to the matter at hand." - Lewis Thomas

3/30/08: Everybody hates me because I'm so universally liked." - Peter de Vries

3/29/08: "I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be." - Douglas Adams

3/28/08: "Homey told me, 'Life is precious, best living's in the moment.'/ I pondered for a second, decided he was on it./Now that's good life living, the present is a gift/I thought about it deeper hit the reefer hit the spliff." - Zion-I, "Live For Today" off the Break A Dawn LP

3/27/08: "Everybody wants their first make out to be some place romantic...like Ireland, or Disney World." - Jackie, That 70s Show

3/26/08: "I don't think there's anything beneath our dignity if it takes us some place our dignity refuses to go." - Paul, In Treatment

3/25/08: "This ain't no war on drugs, it's a war on thugs/They supply the guns, we supply the bodies with slugs." - Akrobatik

3/24/08: "All families are embarrassing. And if they're not, they're dead." - Kitty, That 70s Show

3/23/08: Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example." - Mark Twain

3/22/08: All animals are equal but some animals are more equal than others." - George Orwell, Animal Farm

3/21/08: "Passion is the enemy of precision." - Daryl Zero, The Zero Effect

3/20/08: "You make me believe! Lamb is on the house! No no, I can't do that, I got caught up in moment. You pay me now!" - Hercules, American Dad

3/19/08: "I should not have thrown a party here. It's weird, but I feel kinda guilty. I've never felt guilty before in my life, not even when the judge said, 'You're guilty!'" - Hyde, That 70s Show

3/18/08: "No! It's too soon! Poor woman just had her heart broken. Don't you get it? She's as raw as the Wu-Tang Clan." - Stan, American Dad

3/17/08: "You know all this cleaning is actually kinda satisfying. I bet my maid is thrilled she's not a doctor in her country anymore." - Jackie, That 70s Show

3/16/08: "A wise man gets more use from his enemies than a fool from his friends." - Baltasar Gracian

3/15/08: "A lot of people mistake a short memory for a clear conscience." - Doug Larson

3/14/08: "Of course she's mad at you Donna. You can't just go around telling people the truth!" - Red, That 70s Show

3/13/08: “It’s like we go through our life, like, thinking we’re invincible, but the truth is, we’re totally vincible.” – Kelso

3/12/08: "Don't worry baby, the bus is for foreigners." - Stan, American Dad

3/11/08: “So anyway Foreman, ramble on, keep on keepin’ on, most of all my friend, rock on.” – Hyde

3/10/08: “Kitty, when we got married, we took a vow to be together through sickness and in health. But nobody said anything about what to do if your wife turns into a dope fiend.” – Red Foreman

3/9/08: "If we don't change direction soon, we'll end up where we're going." - Irwin Corey

3/8/08: "Hey! I don't lie...that much." - G.D.

3/7/08: "My mother is very vulnerable right now. Every guy she goes out with dumps her on the third date. And why wouldn't they? She's all dried up. Her uterus is an abandoned theater. Nothing in there but old play bills and memories. Some say there's a phantom that only comes out at night. Shh shh now, it's only a legend." - Stan, American Dad

3/6/08: "How is that fun? Fun's only fun when everyone's having fun." - Lisa Simpson

3/5/08: In honor of my new nephew, I leave you today with a few quotes about childbirth, both good and bad...
"Death and taxes and childbirth! There's never any convenient time for any of them." - Margaret Mitchell
"Childbirth is no more a miracle than eating food and a turd coming out of your ass." - Bill Hicks
"Childbirth is more admirable than conquest, more amazing than self-defense, and as courageous as either one." - Gloria Steinem
"Anyone who thinks women are the weaker sex never witnessed childbirth." - Anonymous

3/4/08: "Son, I know when we first met we didn't really hit it off. But since then I've really come to respect you. And unlike love, respect can't be bought." - Homer Simpson

3/3/08: "The man of knowledge must be able not only to love his enemies but also to hate his friends." -
Friedrich Nietzsche

3/2/08: "The only reason for being a professional writer is that you can't help it." - Leo Rosten

3/1/08: "Learning to dislike children at an early age saves a lot of expense and aggravation later in life." - Robert Byrne

2/29/08: "Horny, I'm home. I mean, Honey, I'm horny. I mean, Francine, I'm horny." - Stan, American Dad

2/28/08: "Francine, I can't put a number on you. But you're definitely woman B in my life." - Stan, American Dad

2/27/08: "I say from experience when you're dealing with two ladies, the end won't be pretty. But the ride down is super fun!" - Michael Kelso, That 70s Show

2/26/08: "Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from acquiring the deadening effect of habit." - W. Somerset Maugham

2/25/08: "Ain't no nostalgia to this shit here. There's just the street and the game and what happens here today." - Cheese Wagstaff, The Wire

2/24/08: "Life is a long lesson in humility." - James Barrie

2/23/08: "Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn't block traffic." - Dan Rather

2/22/08: Klaus: I'm just trying to be responsible. I'm calling everyone I've been with.
Steve: Everyone?! You told me you hadn't been touched in 6 years.
Klaus: Ya, and you took the 100 dollars, no one's a saint here.
- American Dad

2/21/08: “One time when I was ruled dead, they canceled my health insurance because it got that far.” - Laura Todd, who despite talking, walking, attempting to pay taxes and talking to elected officials, is still dead.

2/20/08: "I'm human, like most people are." - J. Glace's Orientation instructor

2/19/08: "I'm out, I got my Blueberry Stoli, you know." - B. Spearman

2/18/08: "The direct use of force is such a poor solution to any problem, it is generally employed only by small children and large nations." - David Friedman

2/17/08: "Before God we are all equally wise - and equally foolish." - Albert Einstein

2/16/08: "I told him, 'You don't know where the fuck you are right now.'" - Errol

2/15/08: My internal monologue last night: The city isn't as warm at night when I'm not drunk.

2/14/08: "Oh he's amazing. He does that to me everyday in practice. That's why I don't like to practice." - Baron Davis about Monta Ellis after Monta's 37 point, 9 rebound game in a win against the Suns.

2/13/08: "Stop screaming! That's just what the bomb wants us to do." - Lars, Bender's Big Score

2/12/08: "A man understands one day that his life is built on nothing - and that's a bad, crazy day." - Cosmo Castorini, Moonstruck

2/11/08: "Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate." - Thomas Jones

2/10/08: "Watch my toes dance!" - Me, in new toe socks

2/9/08: "It's not my bag!" - English Stew

2/8/08: "If you are living like there is no God, you'd better be right." - License plate frame (and while I think most know my take on God and religion, I still found this a humorous and interesting license plate frame)

2/7/08: "You make sure you tell Marlo I burned the money, cause it ain't about that paper. It's about hurting his people and messing with his world. You tell that boy he ain't man enough to come down to the street with Omar." - Omar Little, The Wire

2/6/08: "Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege." - Unknown

2/5/08: "When my time on Earth is gone, and my activities here have passed, I want they should bury me upside down so my critics can kiss my ass." - Bob Knight, Most wins all-time, NCAA Men's Basketball (902)

2/4/08: "No one gave us a chance." - Plaxico Burress following New York's 17-14 win over New England

2/3/08: "Why do writers write? Because it isn't there." - Thomas Berger

2/2/08: "It's a cold world baby girl, loving me is not enough/find out when you're fucking broke, love won't get you on the bus." - 50 Cent, Get In My Car

2/1/08: "So I've had a drink in my life, but I'm sober now. This is my 'white' month. 30 days with no alcohol. Just cleaaaan living. Got the idea from the Swedes. Amazing people. Unbelievably shoddy furniture." - Roger, American Dad

1/31/08: Hayley: Oh my god my mom stole my boyfriend!
Stan: And your boyfriend stole my wife. Lets get back at them by dating each other.
Hayley: Huh?
Stan: Wait a minute...daddy didn't think that through... - American Dad

1/30/08: "Mr. Musgrave, please don't interrupt me when I am asking rhetorical questions." - Brassel, MI3

1/29/08: "You can always tell a person's character by how they treat people they don't need to treat well." - Owen Damien, Mission Impossible 3

1/28/08: "It's meticulously sneaky and effective on many levels. Kinda like you." - Chaz to me

1/27/08: "This form makes you a citizen. This one makes you a private in the army. Go fight for your country." - Army Recruiters, 1862

1/26/08: "It's a funny feeling being took under the wing of a dragon. It's warmer than you think." - Amsterdam, Gangs of New York

1/25/08: "There was a moment last night, when she was sandwiched between the two Finnish dwarves and the Maori tribesmen, where I thought, 'Wow, I could really spend the rest of my life with this woman.'" - Derek Zoolander

1/24/08: "Sting. Sting would be another person who's a hero. The music that he's created over the years, I don't really listen to it, but the fact that he's making it, I respect that." - Hansel, Zoolander

1/23/08: "It's time to move on. You get nothing from the past, and who knows what the future is? It's the present boys. You gotta take a bite out of that apple and have fun while you can. No one is keeping score." - Magda, Nip/Tuck

1/22/08: "Most of these guys couldn't catch the Clap in a Mexican whore house." - McNulty, The Wire

1/21/08: "I took a bunch of pictures...you can see them on my Myspace page along with my favorite songs and movies and things that other people have created that I use to express my individualism." - Stewie, Family Guy

1/20/08: "Drama is life with the dull bits cut out." - Alfred Hitchcock

1/19/08: "Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way." - Leo Tolstoy

1/18/08: "Alright! Let's slowly poison ourselves and celebrate it!" - A. Walsh

1/17/08: "'Pro Forma' from the Latin meaning, 'Lawyers jacking each other off.'" - McNulty, The Wire

1/16/08: "I think you need a lot of context to seriously examine anything." - Gus Haynes, The Wire

1/15/08: "I'm gonna go hit the juice bar. You probably wouldn't like it. It's not about living out childhood abuse through degrading sexual encounters. It's more about juice." - Stan, American Dad

1/14/08: "The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do." - Walter Bagehot

1/13/08: "I'll be more fun tomorrow, I promise." - Hessica

1/12/08: "Are you a good troll, or a bad troll?" - SF Traditional

1/11/08: "If you don't like what's going down, you need to change something round, and what you can't change you have to change the way you thought about." - The Streets

1/10/08: "Come at the king, you best not miss." - Omar, The Wire

1/9/08: "World goin' one way, people another." - Poot, The Wire

1/8/08: "But there are times when suddenly you realize you're nearer the end than the beginning. And you wonder, you ask yourself, what the sum total of your life represents. What difference your being there at any time made to anything. Hardly made any difference at all, really, particularly in comparison with other men's careers. I don't know whether that kind of thinking's very healthy; but I must admit I've had some thoughts on those lines from time to time. But tonight... tonight!" - Col. Nicholson, Bridge on the River Kwai

1/7/08: "I have a powerful urge to take everything he own." - Omar, The Wire

1/6/08: "The bigger the lie, the more they believe." - Bunk Moreland, The Wire

1/5/08: "If you can't bend patrol to the mission Eugene, I'll damn sure find someone who can." - Deputy Ops Bill Rawls, The Wire

1/4/08: "And all the pieces matter." - Det. Freamon, The Wire

1/3/08: Namond Brice: Hey Snoop, your sister in my class.
Snoop: What the fuck, you high or something? - The Wire

1/2/08: "Nobody wins. One side just loses more slowly." - Pryzbo, The Wire

1/1/08: "Another shot of Don Julio please." - Me, New Year's

12/31/07: "Nobody puts Baby in a corner." - Johnny Castle

12/30/07: ""Nobody exceeds his potential. If he did it would mean that we did not accurately gauge his potential in the first place." - Director Josef, Gattaca

12/29/07: "There aren't any good guys. Don't you realize that? There aren't evil guys and innocent guys. It's just a bunch of guys." - Steve Arlo, Zero Effect

12/28/07: "I'll be careful. I shan't touch them until Jambi locks the ether and absinthe away." - Hedonism Bot, Bender's Big Score

12/27/07: "A few words here about following people. People know they are being followed when they turn around and see someone following them. They don't know they're being followed when you get there first." - Daryl Zero, Zero Effect

12/26/07: "A few words about looking for things...when you go looking for something, your chances of finding it are very small. Because of all the things, and you're looking for just one of them. But when you go looking for anything, your chances of finding it are very good, because of all the things in the world, you're sure to find some of them." - Daryl Zero, Zero Effect

12/25/07: "In every pothole there is hope." - Philip, Mixed Nuts

12/24/07: "Sure, I'll try some." - GMa

12/23/07: "I'm thinking about lighting a cigarette just to make this walk easier." - Gavroche in Union Sq.

12/22/07: "Have you found a gray glove?" - Me

12/21/07: "You want to know how I did it? This is how I did it Anton: I never saved anything for the swim back." - Vincent, Gattaca

12/20/07: "The ecstatic dream of now's in between grabs hold of me to set me free." - ACtual

12/19/07: "Shit - you shoot me in a dream, you better wake up and apologize." - Mr. White, Reservoir Dogs

12/18/07: "That would look suspicious...two guys, in an airport....talking." - Daryl Zero, The Zero Effect

12/17/07: "The eyes are the groin of the head." - Dwight Schrute

12/16/07: "I saw him wreck a $100,000 boat because he liked the splash." - Catherine Banning, Thomas Crown Affair

12/15/07: "The only second chance in life is the chance to make the same mistake twice." - Farmer, State and Main

12/14/07: "Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Weep, and you weep alone." - Anonymous

12/13/07: "When everybody thinks alike, nobody thinks." - Bill Walton

12/12/07: "Dearly liked - We are gathered here before one or more Gods or fewer to join this couple in pretty good matrimony." - Priest, First Amalgamated Church

12/11/07: "I like you kid - your pathetic life makes me feel good about myself." - Panucci, Bender's Big Score

12/10/07: "Everybody loves that guy. He's the only person ever to win an Olympic gold medal in limbo and sex." - Hermes Conrad, Bender's Big Score

12/9/07: "In journalism, there has always been a tension between getting it first and getting it right." - Ellen Goodman

12/8/07: "Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else." - Will Rogers

12/7/07: "The present may stink, but at least now we can look forward to a better yesterday." - Fry, Bender's Big Score

12/6/07: "The service in this place sucks and I just ate about 10 lbs of cheese." - T

12/5/07: "It's mercy, compassion and forgiveness I lack. Not rationality." - Black Mamba, Kill Bill Vol. 1

12/4/07: "It's these damn wrong number dialers. What the hell are we going to do about them?!" - L.A. Story

12/3/07: "So you want me to concludify him? Like some sort of dispatcherator?" - Bender

12/2/07: "I can't hate something that is essentially me. I love me!" - Bender

12/1/07: "Bitch, I'm not trying to fuck your man." - Random woman, Oakland Airport

11/30/07: "Having money's not everything, not having it is." - Kanye West

11/29/07: "I want them to feel me. I don't really care what I say. I want them to feel the energetic exchange, to feel what the mood and the attitude is all about."- Pete Carroll, USC Coach

11/28/07: “You know Michael. My daughter’s womb is not a wildfire for you to douse with your adolescent seed.” – Peter

11/27/07: Meg: Wow a Maroon 5 Cd!
Michael: Yea, I remembered how you told me you liked terrible music, so I thought you might like it.
-Family Guy

11/26/07: "If 6 turned out to be 9, I don't mind." - Jimi Hendrix

11/25/07: "You say you're gonna kick my ass? Here, kiss my ass." - Ricky Hatton to Floyd Mayweather

11/24/07: "She said, 'The truth comes back when you let it go,' seems complicated but it's really so simple." - k-os

11/23/07: "I love trophies, but fuck 'em. They're for old men, for guys living in memory," he says. "I'm talking about: Are we competing today, every minute, in everything we do in practice. Are we letting loose and daring to be great here and now? And can we sustain that? And repeat it. Trophies are great, but we're trying to win forever." - Pete Carroll

11/22/07: "I wish I had it all on tape." - Henry Larson, Home for the Holidays

11/21/07: "That's gayer than a Peach Bellini." - Windy

11/20/07: "This tastes like my sister." - Kuffy

11/19/07: "There's too many hos out here." - Street walker, San Francisco

11/18/07: "Your mama looks like a man." - Unidentified Street Woman, San Francisco

11/17/07: "I like to be not so full of food when I'm pounded." - X

11/16/07: "I say it's better to be hurt by someone you know accidentally than by someone you don't know on purpose." - Dwight Schrute, The Office

11/15/07: "I don't hate old people, you just can't let 'em get it twisted. Just because you live a long life doesn't mean it can't come to a short end." - Thugnificent, The Boondocks

11/14/07: "Hey! Don't call him a junkyard cat. He has a name. And his name is Agent Jack Bauer." - Dennis, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

11/13/07: "Look at the valedictorians, scared of the future while I hop in a Delorean." - Kanye West

11/12/07: "Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious." - Brendan Gill

11/11/07: "It is better to know some of the questions than all of the answers." - James Thurber

11/10/07: "I am not young enough to know everything." - Oscar Wilde

11/9/07: "No matter how rich you become, how famous or powerful, when you die the size of your funeral will still pretty much depend on the weather." - Michael Pritchard

11/8/07: "You know, I did a critical self-assessment the other day, and I came to the conclusion that I treat you very, very well." - my Grandpa to my Grandma

11/7/07: "Why the hell would we drop a nuclear bomb on Japan? They make all our cars. They're our friends." - Charlie, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

11/6/07: "For God's sake Steve, you're an American. Quit worrying about the consequences and blow something up!" - Stan, American Dad

11/5/07: "I was never in this for the money. But, as it turns out, the money was an absolute necessity for me." - Michael Scott, The Office

11/4/07: "Let's go to the new bar." - Me, apparently

11/3/07: "We don't have Asians in Florida." - KG

11/2/07: "Besides having sex with men, I would say the "Finer Things" club is the gayest thing about me." - Oscar, The Office

11/1/07: "God is my co-pilot and the Virgin Mary is my hot stewardess." - Stan, American Dad

10/31/07: "No! I don't want your phone number! That would be a disaster. If I had your phone number, I might call you." - Harris K. Telemacher, LA Story

10/30/07: "All those things that weren't supposed to happen up to now, they happened. What happens next is up to you." - Hank, Californication

10/29/07: "Life is a zoo in a jungle." - Peter de Vries

10/28/07: "My favorite thing about the internet is that you get to go into the private world of creeps without having to smell them." - Penn Jillette

10/27/07: "After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one" - Cato the Elder

10/26/07: "Ha Ha! Stan has no friends. And he didn't even realize it! He's like America - The Guy." - Roger, American Dad

10/25/07: "You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake." - Jeannette Rankin

10/24/07: "Hey, my job isn't to fight my woman's battles. My job is to love her and take her where she wants to go." - Buster, The Color Purple

10/23/07: "Maybe Fry wasn't dead when we buried him. You know, like Julia Roberts." - Bender

10/22/07: "I've got something that removes mascara, so she can't ruin my wardrobe." - The Boarder

10/21/07: Cheryl: Larry, I just want to say, if I don't make it, I love you.
Larry: Hold, hold on. Can I call you back, the cable guy's here. - Curb Your Enthusiasm

10/20/07: "I had my chance. She came to my house at 3 am in her go-go stuff. I took an intentional walk." - Gavroche

10/19/07: "He wants this company to be all about e-mails and IMs. But he's forgetting the original IM - notes attached to baskets of fruit." - Michael Scott, The Office

10/18/07: "Everything I'm not makes me everything I am." - Kanye West

10/17/07: "Usually I don't like to be around interesting people because then I have to be interesting as well." - Harris K. Telemacher, L.A. Story

10/16/07: "I taught Stephanie Cooper how to give head. She died when a guy she was blowing drove his pick-up into a swamp. It doesn't mean I killed her. It means I was a great teacher. And he was a bad driver. And the alligators were hungry." - Andy Botwin, Weeds

10/15/07: "This is about the speed my brain is moving right now." - Hessica

10/14/07: "The Romans would never have found time to conquer the world if they had been obliged first to learn Latin." - Heinrich Heine

10/13/07: "For the skeptic there remains only one consolation: if there should be such a thing as superhuman law it is administered with subhuman efficiency." - Eric Ambler

10/12/07: Lawyer: (reading from will) You get nothing. You were a disappointment and a mistake.
Sweet Dee: A mistake? We're twins. We were born at the same time. What are you talking about. You're not making any sense.
Frank: Tell that bitch it doesn't make sense!
Lawyer: Okay, I'm reading the words that someone else wrote, kay? I don't know your mom; never met your mom. In fact, I'm certainly not speaking to your mom now, because she's dead! -It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

10/11/07: "That sounds like one of those good problems." - Marlowe, The Wire

10/10/07: "Oh c'mon, I'm not asking you to do much, just turn a blind eye while I rob this place stupid." Dee, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

10/9/07: "Ok, let me strap on my job helmet and squeeze down into a job cannon and fly off into job land where jobs grow on jobbies." - Charlie, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

10/8/07: "She said the truth comes back when you let it go, seems complicated but it's really so simple." - k-os

10/7/07: "Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes." - E.W. Dijkstra

10/6/07: "At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote." - Emo Phillips

10/5/07: "Too many people are thinking of security instead of opportunity. They seem more afraid of life than death." - James Byrnes

10/4/07: "I like to think of Jesus as wearin' a Tuxedo T-shirt, 'cause it says, like, 'I want to be formal, but I'm here to party too.' I like to party, so I like my Jesus to party." - Cal Naughton, Jr., Talladega Nights

10/3/07: "Damn son, you've got a problem differentiating between boys and girls." - Gavroche to Chaz

10/2/07: "There has to be a God. If not, what are all these churches for? And who is Jesus' Dad?" - Michael Scott, The Office

10/1/07: "Society, my dear, is like salt water, good to swim in but hard to swallow." - Arthur Stringer

9/30/07: "Something smells good!" - Dave Matthews @ Shoreline, 9/29/07

9/29/07: Molly: Everytime I hear this song it totally reminds me of you!
Evan: Me too!

9/28/07: “I’ve wanted this since I was 13. This is not a game with me. I want this, I’m gonna get it, I’ll step over Lisa if necessary.” – Bianca, ANTM

9/27/07: "He won't slide, he's going to try and run you over. I can't wait." - USC Linebacker Rey Maualuga on UW's QB's running style

9/26/07: "In Iran, we don't have homosexuals like in your country. I don't know who told you that." - Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, President of Iran

9/25/07: "To me giving up is way harder than trying." - Kanye West

9/24/07: "We made good progress. We've started to kind of balance out and everybody is getting involved. We're starting to figure our guys out a little bit." - Pete Carroll on USC's 47-14 win over WSU

9/23/07: "Congratulations, Brett and Kathleen." - The Group

9/22/07: "You need to know how to wrap your tongue around that clitoris and make it perform for you." - D. Head

9/21/07: "Took quarter water sold it in bottles for two bucks, then Coca-Cola came and bought it for millions, what the fuck." - 50 Cent

9/20/07: "When pretty girls have stanky attitudes like that, it irks me." - Bianca, ANTM

9/19/07: "I hate listening to people's dreams. It's like flipping through a stack of photographs. If I'm not in any of them and nobody is having sex, I just don't care." - Dennis, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

9/18/07: "Life will kill you." - Hank, Californication

9/17/07: "What luck for rulers that men do not think." - Adolf Hitler

9/16/07: "I don't look at what the purse is or the prize money. You play. And when you play, you play to win, period. That's how my dad raised me, is you go out there and win. If you win, everything will take care of itself. You take great pride in what you do on the golf course, and when you're able to win events, that's when you can go home and be very proud of what you've done." - Tiger Woods following his win of the first FedEx Cup

9/15/07: "Never answer a critic, unless he's right." - Bernard Baruch

9/14/07: "Frank, use your head. This is the coat that's going to protect my other coat. C'mon, man." - Charlie, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

9/13/07: "When a country has 5% of the world's population but spends 50% of the world's military spending, that country's persuasive power is in decline." - Prince Nasir Al-Subaai, Syriana

9/12/07: "Gangstas and hustlers, living a movie star life, dealt a bad hand, but I played my cards right." - Common

9/11/07: "I love women. I have all their albums." - Hank, Californication

9/10/07: "I wasn't about to give anyone over there the common courtesy of watching me die." - US Army Sgt on surviving his wounds from an IED in Iraq

9/9/07: "Straight sets is brutal for Novak, to be honest." - Roger Federer on the final scoreline in the US Open after winning his fourth straight

9/8/07: "This will be the first time my birthday wish is going to come true!" - MAC

9/7/07: "It's not who you love, but how." - Holden McNeil, Chasing Amy

9/6/07: "When I'm alone, I love to cuddle!" - Fez, That 70's Show

9/5/07: "If I have grass or alcohol or anything, I get unbearably wonderful. I get too wonderful for words." - Woody Allen, Annie Hall

9/4/07: "When you have a problem in the mirror, you do not fix the mirror, you fix that which is reflected in the mirror." - Vint Cerf on censoring the internet

9/3/07: "Homey, you hustlin' backwards if you chasin' a bitch. Stupid, chase the paper they come with that shit." - 50 Cent

9/2/07: "Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop to look around once in a while, you could miss it." - Ferris Bueller

9/1/07: "I can't wait til I'm old enough to feel ways about stuff." - Philip J. Fry

8/31/07: "Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars." - Fred Allen

8/30/07: "Things are different this time. Before she was demanding and possessive, but now she wants me to do stuff and stay with her all the time." - Philip J. Fry

8/29/07: "The ultimate sign of maturity is knowing just how immature you really are." - Mohammad Qureshi

8/28/07: "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." -President Bush

8/27/07: "Ethics are so annoying. I avoid them on principle." - Darby Conley

8/26/07: "Roll up son." - Lake House Traditional

8/25/07: "It's the Lake House. There's no day like today and not much left of tomorrow." - Unknown

8/24/07: "I'd rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not." - Anonymous

8/23/07: Kelly: There's so many Cubs fans here!
Me: I know. Look at them down there in the bleachers chanting, "Let's Go Cubbies."
Kelly: They're even stealing our cheer!

8/22/07: "You're all from different cultures here. Some of you are white, some of you are black. You're brown. And you're silver. But I don't care if your skin's red, or tan, or Chinese. You're all gonna have to learn to die together." - Zap Brannigan

8/21/07: "They come into my office, I give them a vest and a map and tell them to stay away from large crowds by using alleys. And yet everyday a New Zealander gets mugged in this city." - Murray, Flight of the Conchords

8/20/07: "Consider yourself defiled." - Hank, Californication

8/19/07: "Does your boyfriend know you're here?" - J. Miller

8/18/07: "Amnesty means that you've got to pay a price for having been here illegally, and this bill does that." - George W. Bush, on the immigration reform bill, Washington DC, 6/26/07

8/17/07: Bret: Has your suit snugged up a bit?
Jemaine: In places, yes. And in other places also yes.

8/16/07: "It's not who you are underneath. It's what you do that defines you." - Rachel Dawes, Batman Begins

8/15/07: "You're going to listen to something I said? Haven't I made it abundantly clear during the tenure of our friendship that I don't know shit?" - Brodie, Mallrats

8/14/07: "Sometimes I think we live through things only to be able to say that it happened. That it wasn't to someone else, it was to me." - Jack Starks, The Jacket

8/13/07: "Think about what YOU want. What the world owes YOU." - Bender

8/12/07: "You need to not be so drunk right now." - Mom

8/11/07: "Adam, you're going to be an Uncle." - Emily Gibson

8/10/07: "God bless everyone. No exceptions." - Bumper sticker

8/9/07: "You'll stay here 'til the end of time,
enduring tortures, most of which rhyme." - Robot Devil

8/8/07: "Suspicion breeds confidence." - Anonymous poster, Brazil

8/7/07: "Imagination is the beginning of creation. You imagine what you desire, you will what you imagine and at last you create what you will." - George Bernard Shaw

8/6/07: Murray: I thought you said Sally was shallow.
Bret: Oh she's not shallow.
Jemaine: She is shallow, but she's really hot. She's the hottest girl I've ever touched.
-Flight of the Conchords

8/5/07: "This origami dream is beautiful
but man those wings will never leave the ground
Without a feather and a lottery ticket, now settle down" - Aesop Rock

8/4/07: "You're not the king of me. I'm the king of me. I'm the biggest star here. I'm a big bright shining star." - Dirk Diggler

8/3/07: "Francine, you be very careful out there today, we're at terror alert Orange! Which means something might go down somewhere in someway at some point in time, so look sharp!" - Stan

8/2/07: "Did you hear that Meg? Guys can marry other guys now. So...this is awkward, but I mean, if they can do that, that is pretty much it for you, isn't it? I mean you may as well pack it in. Game over." - Stewie Griffin

8/1/07: "Who would have known playing God could have such terrible consequences?" - Bender